Dear baby Patrick,
I’m going to meet you in just a few days, but I want you to know I have been praying for you and dreaming of you my entire life. I never imagined I would be a mother even once and now my second child is on his way out of my womb into this very wild, and at times, extremely frightening world. I want to be everything to you. I never want to disappoint you. I want to help you up when you fall but also teach you how to stand on your own. I want you to know how loved and wanted you were before you were here. When your father and I were dating, we would talk about how many kids we wanted. We always wanted two boys. It’s truly amazing how things work out. I want you to know I’m not perfect and I’m horrible at crafts. I’m still not a very good cook, but I have great taste in take out. There are times where I say the wrong things and over think things to death. I’m impatient, can be stubborn at times, but my heart is bigger than the New York skyline. There are many times where I can be a bit much and my expectations are too high but I want you to know that no matter what, I will always love you. You are always enough. I will always be here for you. And if it comes down to it, I will happily trade my life for yours. I cannot help but let my mind wander back to that horrible night of Dec. 15 when I was terrified I was losing you. In that very moment as I lay in the ER bleeding, I was clinging to you and my faith in God like I never had before. I am so thankful that tomorrow morning, I get the chance to return to that hospital for my pre-op blood work so we can meet you this week. I have been faithfully staying away from forbidden pregnancy foods such as cold cuts, sushi, unpasteurized cheese and caffeine. I haven’t had one drop of alcohol or taken anything more than a Tylenol when the pain from my stomach stretching got too intense. I have stayed far away from secondhand cigarette smoke and scolded anyone who tried to “vape” around me not knowing if that could harm you or not.
I hope that I can be the sort of mother you look up to; one who makes you proud. I want to teach you things and inspire you. I want you to have a better life than me and more opportunities than I did. I want to find out what your hopes and dreams are and nurture those ideas so I can put you on the path to achieving them. I want you to know that this world isn’t fair but your father and I will do our best to guide you to be independent and strong so you can overcome any challenges you may face. I want you to be strong enough to help others along the way who are struggling. I want you to know you have the most incredible big brother who is waiting to meet you and who will be your friend for life.
So this coming week as we go from three to four, I am humbled. I am grateful. I am in awe of God’s miracles. Even as I am typing this, feeling you kick around in my belly, I am trying to freeze this moment—this very feeling of having you so near, you are literally a part of me. While I will never get to feel you kick inside my belly again, you will flow through my heart. Much like you, I am a constant work in progress who is continually learning, growing and evolving to become who I was destined to be. I am a “motherloading” and I cannot wait to finally see your sweet face.
Welcome to the greatest adventure any of us could ever be given—life.
All my love,
your mama Joanie